Mad Missionary

Even as I write that title, I know it is wrong. I thought I was moving up in the level of “Missionary.” You know, after seven years, you have experienced the heartache of rejection. You have experienced the discomforts of living in an extreme temperature. Aren’t I supposed to be becoming immune to discomfort at this point?

Take me back, Lord. I find myself praying. Back to what? I wonder. Those first lessons were challenging. I remember waking up in the middle of the night sweating with two fans on us in July 2018. I am in hell. Lord, you brought us to live in hell. I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

These aren’t the kinds of things you read about in “good Missionary” biographies. Or maybe you do, but reading about it doesn’t seem so awful. They seem to accept the challenge and move into sainthood effortlessly. I’m not sure what is worse: admitting the feelings or the shame of still wrestling with the same things.

It is difficult to not compare environments when you’ve lived in six countries. Without any hesitation, Barranquilla has been the harshest of environments. The humidity of this tropical coastal city and its proximity to the equator makes it hot and humid all year round. One does get weary of saying “It’s hot”. How many different ways can you say “I’m hot and uncomfortable”? We know it is especially extreme when everyone around us comments on it.

My breaking point came this afternoon when we got into the hot car to drive to orchestra practice and the AC wouldn’t turn on. Quickly we rolled down the windows, except for the passenger side because the window was broken. 30 minutes we pushed and prodded several spots hoping it would kick on. Nothing. It would be ok, except when you sleep in the heat, wake up and exercise in the heat at 5 am, and proceed to do school in the heat.

If the heat doesn’t get to you, the mosquitoes will do the trick. Continually you kill them and they come back for more blood. Am I sounding dramatic yet? I warned you in the blog title! You can either read that as mad: angry or mad: crazy. Both are accurate for the period of life I am struggling through at this very moment.

In the past week, three fans have broken, and I have been sick. The kids have all taken turns being sick and then back through again. As I sat in our church service on Sunday evening on our back patio, I realized that I didn’t think I had been this low in a long while.

So this is what is going to take me out. I confess to the Lord. Being sick, hot, and did I mention I just started my period?

How do I tie a pretty bow on this one? There is none. There is no silver lining. There is just heat, sickness, and hormones.

What is it that is so frustrating? It’s the finality of it. There is no escape. Feeling like I can’t get away from the discomfort. But isn’t that one of those really important character-building elements? If I can learn the secret of being content in every circumstance, like Paul, I can truly learn contentment. I know this, but do I expect it and accept it when it comes?

This is the perfect environment for that. I have to laugh. Suddenly, the Lord takes me back to another time in my life when I felt there was no escape. Three kids under the age of 4. All three depend on me for diapers, care, cleaning, and feeding. What a lonely few years those were. I couldn’t see how my life would ever change. Every day felt like an eternal circle of the same things. Their cuteness only could get me through some of my moments in the day.

What gets you through the valleys of depression and anxiety? The answer, of course, is Jesus. In those moments when I was so tired and going a little crazy repeating myself so much, I had to apply some strategies to my hardships, especially when I was alone in the house with my own thoughts.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. This phrase became my anthem. Oh, how I need this anthem again!

I also have to get real with myself. What I want is to find a way to not be uncomfortable and I can’t. So how do I sit in this mess? I accept that I can sit tight in the discomfort and grow. This discomfort is not going to kill me. I can choose to be content in plenty and in want. Air conditioning will relieve me temporarily. The discontent comes from a deeper place. A place that needs healing and acceptance. I can choose. I always get to choose.

When I think about it, at my worst I am essentially saying “I will be content when I have: __________, _________, ___________, and Jesus.”

How is it any different from someone having an illness or disease? It is. I want to escape it, but I can’t. So, the real question is: What am I going to do?

The answer is that I am going to sit tight and sweat. I am not going to run. I’m not going to throw a temper tantrum because I am uncomfortable. I am going to believe that God brought me here because:

“No temptation has ceased you, except what is common to men. But God is faithful he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. When you are tempted He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” 1 Corinthians 10:13

This a verse I memorized in high school and comes to mind every so often when I start to feel sorry for myself.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the eagles in the Lord of the Rings. Surrounded, there is usually no escape left for journeymen. The group has fought and is unable to do anything else.

• Am I looking to the mountains anticipating rescue?

• Am I expectant to see how God is going to come through? This doesn’t mean He will rescue me from discomfort. This salvation is most likely from myself…from despair.

There is a word for what I am being asked to do: Abide.

In John 15, the chapter where Jesus is preparing himself, his disciples, and his church before he is crucified, the word “abide” is used 10 times. “Abide in me” is both an invitation and a command directly from Jesus to his followers. Abiding is staying, remaining, and being. It is also the opposite of what I have been wanting to do lately when faced with my unchanging circumstances.

Lord Jesus, you led the way. You have asked us to follow you. That means staying, remaining, and being with You through it all. The blessing and beauty of having more than enough. In plenty and in want. Lord, you cried out “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 How many times must I hold on to my will, Lord? Thank you for this opportunity to let go, again. Thank you because you call out to me to follow you in the good and the bad. The easy moments and the hard. You lead the way. Show me, Jesus. Show me every moment of every day. Amen.

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