Entitled

And what have you been doing all day?

The moment this phrase left my own brazen 16 year-old lips I knew it was a mistake. What was that feeling I had immediately in the pit of my stomach? It was seeing my mom’s hurt face. She didn’t say a word back to me. I think that was what really slammed my ego to the ground. My mother, who took care of us without a single complaint, received the blow I gave her without a word. 

I go back to this moment regularly. I have three teenage daughters. I remind myself that I was an entitled teen. I said things I wish I had never said. Sometimes I think that a lot of times as a teenager you say things to see how they feel as they come out of your mouth. It’s like you are actively trying out what they feel like to say, and only later do you realize that the effect they have on the person you say them to matters as well.

Recently one of ours was complaining about having to take an Uber to her music practice. None of the other kids could believe that my parents didn’t bring me to practice.

Let’s ignore the 17 years of chauffeuring leading up to this year. Let’s forget that this Uber chauffeuring is a luxury that would be impossible in the US.

But mom, do you know how hard it is for me? You [insert complaint] and you don’t do that with my sisters. They have it easy. I am the one who has to deal with it. You guys are so mean to me.

I consider myself to be a pretty easy-going person. I don’t find it hard to empathize. Almost always I can see two sides to every story. I will be the first to put myself in the shoes of another. When said-daughter said these things, I became livid. I let her “have it”, meaning, I told her that I can tolerate complaints. I can live with a critique and strive to do better as a mom….but I will not tolerate pure unadulterated entitlement and privilege. Inevitably this privilege manifests itself into a very dangerous and bitter root: I am a victim.

Once the flash of indignation fizzled and I remembered once again the stupid things I said when when I was young, the Lord brought a fresh word to me:

How often do you act this way towards me, child?

I am undone with this simple truth. God lavishes me with his grace, his love, and his kindness and yet, I can get caught up in finding fault in my days. When God Almighty put “Thou shalt not covet” in the 10 commandments, He was protecting us from the bitter root. The root of discontent. This horrible, nasty root begins by believing a very slippery lie:

Your father does not give you good gifts.

Your father is holding back.

You should have ________.

Isn’t there temptation everywhere? Isn’t social media a way for us to display our lives so that they are appealing to others? Am I causing my neighbor to stumble by showing what I have? Am I provoking envy? Man. That is a hard question only because I immediately know the answer.

These are all difficult questions I must ask myself. At the very fundamental commandment level, God provides a framework for us. “Don’t do these things, because it will not go well with you.” (paraphrase mine)

How often do I stomp my foot in defiance?

I must ask myself: Do I believe God is who He says he is? If the answer to this question is “yes” then I believe he is a Good Father. Provider. Lover of my soul. He gives good gifts.

There are reasons I don’t get what I want. I don’t need them. I am not ready for them. 

When Joel and I were first married, I was praying that Joel would want to live overseas as a missionary. I prayed and prayed. I’ve shared this testimony countless times over the years as part of our story and how we became missionaries. One particular time I was sharing this story, when I finished the Lord whispered to my heart:

All these times you’ve told this story, you tell it like Joel wasn’t ready. You were not ready either.

The Lord is sovereign. He is perfect. He gives perfect gifts. I was not ready to receive the gift I had been praying for. The Lord knew this and spared me from something; only He knows.

My troubled, anxious heart didn’t get there because of my circumstances. It all stems from the bitter root of discontent. The remedy: remember who God is and to thank Him for what He has done. Every single time I sit and call on the name of the Lord, specifically remembering his precious names, I am renewed. He restores my soul with memories of how he is precisely those names throughout Scripture and in my life.

His grace is so great that sometimes I don’t even know what to cry out, and the Holy Spirit gives me the name through prayer. It is a beautiful gift to receive the right Name at the right time. At this particular moment I am calling out to my Rock and Firm Foundation. Oh, how I need my Rock. The world around me is shifting. The visa laws have changed yet again. The Lord may be asking us to pivot here or there. My Firm Foundation is a reminder to me of how our world changes over and over, but Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I cry out to the Living God and thank Him because He makes my steps secure. The steps of faith he is asking me to take are scary only if I forget He is my Rock. ALL other ground is sinking sand.

Quiet my anxious heart, Lord Jesus. Remind me of who You are. Refresh my faith. Thank you for not leaving me to my own wishes and desires, but for calling me out upon the waters like Peter. You reward me with more faith every time I obey. Thank you that I don’t have to know. I don’t have to trust in my own way. Your love and grace envelop me and surround me. You are my Firm Foundation, my Rock.

Angel Ballew and her husband, Joel, serve in Barranquilla, Colombia with their three daughters. Their ministry includes networking local churches and their leaders, a homeschool community, and running a co-working space called CoVentus as a BAM (Business as Mission) project.